For some reason, I decided to unblock TJ on Facebook. I figured it's almost been a year since we've broken up, and I'm happy with Pete, so what could be the harm?
I unblocked him and saw his profile picture of him and his gf kissing, and my heart filled with anger and hate.
Why is it, a year after we've broken up, that after looking at a picture of him, the old feelings of animosity and insecurity come back?
I am so happy with Pete. He is always good to me and we have so much fun together. Maybe a year isn't long enough. Maybe I need to keep him blocked on Facebook so I never have to see pictures of him and be reminded of those awful times.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know a lot of people scoff at that. But if we aren't put through hard times and made to suffer sometimes, we wouldn't appreciate the good things that come our way in life. And sometimes, when it seems like everything is going wonderfully, we forget to stop and remember to not take life for granted. That anything can happen.
For me, when things are going well, I'm mostly happy, but a little part of me is waiting for the bottom to fall out. For the roof to cave in on me. And that's not a good way to live my life. I feel like I should be prepared and be able to catch on when something bad is about to happen to me. Because I wasn't prepared at all with the stuff that went on with me and TJ.
But if I'm always prepared for something bad to happen, I'll be too busy preparing for the worst to truly appreciate the good things in life.
I honestly feel like I deserve any bad things that happen to me. Hopefully I'll get over that one day soon.
I will post a happier post soon, I promise!
I have "In These Arms" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova on repeat. I love that dang song!
I hope everyone is doing well...it seems like everyone is getting engaged, or married, or having babies these days! I guess that's what people do when they get older ;)
Maybe I'll get married one day and be really happy and secure with my self. You guys would all be invited, of course :)
Guess I better get back to work.
Until next time... Stay Classy San Diego!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
So I Haven't Been on Blogger in Awhile....
So I haven't been on blogger in awhile....
But that's probably a good thing. Because I didn't have much going for me. I was worried, unhappy, and stressed out most of the time. All my friends lived far away. The only good times I had were when I got to hang out with my family at home. Or my friends in Nashville or Paris.
I was miserable where I worked. I had unhappy work friends and all we did was drink. And not just drink to drink. Drink to get drunk. We were all unhappy people, stuck in a rut but too lazy or scared or both to do anything to change our lives.
And I was lazy and scared as well. It's easier to be sad and pull the covers over your head. It's easy to sit in your room in the dark and cry. And wallow in depression that you don't even realize is self inflicted. It's harder to make a change in your life.
I will definitely add more to this. I think I am slowly but surely becoming a better person. I still struggle every day with myself. But it gets easier.
And to the people that have stuck by me, thank you. Words cannot express the gratitude that I feel towards you.
I will write in this blog a few times a week, or at least try to, so you can see what's going on with me. I know I am not the best at keeping in touch =)
Until next time.......
But that's probably a good thing. Because I didn't have much going for me. I was worried, unhappy, and stressed out most of the time. All my friends lived far away. The only good times I had were when I got to hang out with my family at home. Or my friends in Nashville or Paris.
I was miserable where I worked. I had unhappy work friends and all we did was drink. And not just drink to drink. Drink to get drunk. We were all unhappy people, stuck in a rut but too lazy or scared or both to do anything to change our lives.
And I was lazy and scared as well. It's easier to be sad and pull the covers over your head. It's easy to sit in your room in the dark and cry. And wallow in depression that you don't even realize is self inflicted. It's harder to make a change in your life.
I will definitely add more to this. I think I am slowly but surely becoming a better person. I still struggle every day with myself. But it gets easier.
And to the people that have stuck by me, thank you. Words cannot express the gratitude that I feel towards you.
I will write in this blog a few times a week, or at least try to, so you can see what's going on with me. I know I am not the best at keeping in touch =)
Until next time.......
Friday, September 18, 2009
Never thought I'd be on a boat... Just a big blue watery road...
I am no good at thinking of titles of my blogs.....as you can probably already tell. Blogs are usually (well my blogs anyway) full of random words and thoughts.
Although I believe in the goodness of people, I also believe in the selfishness and meanness in people. And I have also learned to not have high expecations of people, if to even have any expectation of people at all. Even your friends. Because you are probably just setting yourself up for disapointment. I am talking about many situations and people here but condensing it into a few sentences. Something happens and you think people might change and try to be a better person because of what happens, but instead they let you down and don't change. Or they change into something worse.
You are lucky if you can count your good friends on one hand. This is what I have to keep telling myself after I am repeatedly disapointed by my friends actions. Like they drop you because they have better things/people that have come into their life. But then they want you around for a special occasion or they want you around because they randomly feel like talking to you. I have many friends like this. And it makes me sad. But then I am reminded by the people who are there for me when I am mad or sad, who listen patiently to my rantings and ravings and then make me feel better afterwards. Who are reassuring when you hate yourself or think the world is out to get you. Who are still your friend even though they have seen your crazy side and still love you. I am lucky to have that. So thank you to the people that although I have gotten into arguments with we are better friends because of the arguments, who have stood by my side and been there through thick and thin, who care about how my day went and who I can talk to about anything. You know who you are.
Although I believe in the goodness of people, I also believe in the selfishness and meanness in people. And I have also learned to not have high expecations of people, if to even have any expectation of people at all. Even your friends. Because you are probably just setting yourself up for disapointment. I am talking about many situations and people here but condensing it into a few sentences. Something happens and you think people might change and try to be a better person because of what happens, but instead they let you down and don't change. Or they change into something worse.
You are lucky if you can count your good friends on one hand. This is what I have to keep telling myself after I am repeatedly disapointed by my friends actions. Like they drop you because they have better things/people that have come into their life. But then they want you around for a special occasion or they want you around because they randomly feel like talking to you. I have many friends like this. And it makes me sad. But then I am reminded by the people who are there for me when I am mad or sad, who listen patiently to my rantings and ravings and then make me feel better afterwards. Who are reassuring when you hate yourself or think the world is out to get you. Who are still your friend even though they have seen your crazy side and still love you. I am lucky to have that. So thank you to the people that although I have gotten into arguments with we are better friends because of the arguments, who have stood by my side and been there through thick and thin, who care about how my day went and who I can talk to about anything. You know who you are.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I am watching Bridget Jones Diary. I love this movie.
Temptation is surrounding me. I want to eat sweets and fried food and drink wine and/or beer. I also want to lose weight and look smashing in a wedding dress. Haha I sound English. But the truth is...I really really want to be skinny. When I am at home by myself and TJ is working, thoughts swirl around in my head and while I want to do away with the bad and hold on to the good, there isn't much good to hold on to. I have a lot of good in my life but for some reason, I get depressed when I am by myself and I am so negative about everything!
I haven't worked out in the past week because the last time I worked out, I pushed myself really hard without really warming up and I ended up going 30 minutes on the elliptical and 50 minutes on the treadmill. And on the treadmill, I would run 15-20 minutes without stopping on 5.6 mph. Now my left foot hurts and there is still shooting pains in my right leg a week later. I have been told to get better running shoes, which I am definitely going to invest in.
I am one of those people that has to get her endorphins kicking in and get an adrenaline rush....otherwise I get moody and sad. That is probably why I am feeling this negativity now, because I haven't really been able to work out and my mood has been deeply affected by this.
I almost deleted my blogger account because I am not as up to date as some of my friends are....Ashley has all these cool things on hers like pictures on flicker and a fitness log.....I just don't get on this enough to do all that. I am sure no one really cares about my stupid moods either. I guess I am writing in this to vent a little bit and if my friends DO want to know what's going on and we haven't talked in a while, they can see what is up with me lately.
I am pretty sure...like 95% sure that me and TJ are going to get married at Casa De Loco winery in Camdenton, MO. It is really pretty and they are very accomodating of your big day. We are still hoping for May, and I am trying to reserve it in May as we speak. May seems way too close, in terms of me being at the weight I want to be at. I know it's only August and that May is several months from now....but I feel like I will never lose a pound!
But in more positive terms, I haven't eaten one sweet or drank any alcohol for two days...and as little as that sounds, I am really trying here. Maybe if I stay away from those two, I will stop craving them so much. I am definitely going to get back on track with working out once I get better running shoes, and in the meantime I am trying to eat less and eat better since I can't really work out. I am also tryin to stay away from fried foods as well. And to drink a lot more water.
I am going to finish watching this movie. Bugger off. haha just kidding!
Bye for now! =)
Temptation is surrounding me. I want to eat sweets and fried food and drink wine and/or beer. I also want to lose weight and look smashing in a wedding dress. Haha I sound English. But the truth is...I really really want to be skinny. When I am at home by myself and TJ is working, thoughts swirl around in my head and while I want to do away with the bad and hold on to the good, there isn't much good to hold on to. I have a lot of good in my life but for some reason, I get depressed when I am by myself and I am so negative about everything!
I haven't worked out in the past week because the last time I worked out, I pushed myself really hard without really warming up and I ended up going 30 minutes on the elliptical and 50 minutes on the treadmill. And on the treadmill, I would run 15-20 minutes without stopping on 5.6 mph. Now my left foot hurts and there is still shooting pains in my right leg a week later. I have been told to get better running shoes, which I am definitely going to invest in.
I am one of those people that has to get her endorphins kicking in and get an adrenaline rush....otherwise I get moody and sad. That is probably why I am feeling this negativity now, because I haven't really been able to work out and my mood has been deeply affected by this.
I almost deleted my blogger account because I am not as up to date as some of my friends are....Ashley has all these cool things on hers like pictures on flicker and a fitness log.....I just don't get on this enough to do all that. I am sure no one really cares about my stupid moods either. I guess I am writing in this to vent a little bit and if my friends DO want to know what's going on and we haven't talked in a while, they can see what is up with me lately.
I am pretty sure...like 95% sure that me and TJ are going to get married at Casa De Loco winery in Camdenton, MO. It is really pretty and they are very accomodating of your big day. We are still hoping for May, and I am trying to reserve it in May as we speak. May seems way too close, in terms of me being at the weight I want to be at. I know it's only August and that May is several months from now....but I feel like I will never lose a pound!
But in more positive terms, I haven't eaten one sweet or drank any alcohol for two days...and as little as that sounds, I am really trying here. Maybe if I stay away from those two, I will stop craving them so much. I am definitely going to get back on track with working out once I get better running shoes, and in the meantime I am trying to eat less and eat better since I can't really work out. I am also tryin to stay away from fried foods as well. And to drink a lot more water.
I am going to finish watching this movie. Bugger off. haha just kidding!
Bye for now! =)
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