So I haven't been on blogger in awhile....
But that's probably a good thing. Because I didn't have much going for me. I was worried, unhappy, and stressed out most of the time. All my friends lived far away. The only good times I had were when I got to hang out with my family at home. Or my friends in Nashville or Paris.
I was miserable where I worked. I had unhappy work friends and all we did was drink. And not just drink to drink. Drink to get drunk. We were all unhappy people, stuck in a rut but too lazy or scared or both to do anything to change our lives.
And I was lazy and scared as well. It's easier to be sad and pull the covers over your head. It's easy to sit in your room in the dark and cry. And wallow in depression that you don't even realize is self inflicted. It's harder to make a change in your life.
I will definitely add more to this. I think I am slowly but surely becoming a better person. I still struggle every day with myself. But it gets easier.
And to the people that have stuck by me, thank you. Words cannot express the gratitude that I feel towards you.
I will write in this blog a few times a week, or at least try to, so you can see what's going on with me. I know I am not the best at keeping in touch =)
Until next time.......
Friday, July 23, 2010
Friday, September 18, 2009
Never thought I'd be on a boat... Just a big blue watery road...
I am no good at thinking of titles of my blogs.....as you can probably already tell. Blogs are usually (well my blogs anyway) full of random words and thoughts.
Although I believe in the goodness of people, I also believe in the selfishness and meanness in people. And I have also learned to not have high expecations of people, if to even have any expectation of people at all. Even your friends. Because you are probably just setting yourself up for disapointment. I am talking about many situations and people here but condensing it into a few sentences. Something happens and you think people might change and try to be a better person because of what happens, but instead they let you down and don't change. Or they change into something worse.
You are lucky if you can count your good friends on one hand. This is what I have to keep telling myself after I am repeatedly disapointed by my friends actions. Like they drop you because they have better things/people that have come into their life. But then they want you around for a special occasion or they want you around because they randomly feel like talking to you. I have many friends like this. And it makes me sad. But then I am reminded by the people who are there for me when I am mad or sad, who listen patiently to my rantings and ravings and then make me feel better afterwards. Who are reassuring when you hate yourself or think the world is out to get you. Who are still your friend even though they have seen your crazy side and still love you. I am lucky to have that. So thank you to the people that although I have gotten into arguments with we are better friends because of the arguments, who have stood by my side and been there through thick and thin, who care about how my day went and who I can talk to about anything. You know who you are.
Although I believe in the goodness of people, I also believe in the selfishness and meanness in people. And I have also learned to not have high expecations of people, if to even have any expectation of people at all. Even your friends. Because you are probably just setting yourself up for disapointment. I am talking about many situations and people here but condensing it into a few sentences. Something happens and you think people might change and try to be a better person because of what happens, but instead they let you down and don't change. Or they change into something worse.
You are lucky if you can count your good friends on one hand. This is what I have to keep telling myself after I am repeatedly disapointed by my friends actions. Like they drop you because they have better things/people that have come into their life. But then they want you around for a special occasion or they want you around because they randomly feel like talking to you. I have many friends like this. And it makes me sad. But then I am reminded by the people who are there for me when I am mad or sad, who listen patiently to my rantings and ravings and then make me feel better afterwards. Who are reassuring when you hate yourself or think the world is out to get you. Who are still your friend even though they have seen your crazy side and still love you. I am lucky to have that. So thank you to the people that although I have gotten into arguments with we are better friends because of the arguments, who have stood by my side and been there through thick and thin, who care about how my day went and who I can talk to about anything. You know who you are.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I am watching Bridget Jones Diary. I love this movie.
Temptation is surrounding me. I want to eat sweets and fried food and drink wine and/or beer. I also want to lose weight and look smashing in a wedding dress. Haha I sound English. But the truth is...I really really want to be skinny. When I am at home by myself and TJ is working, thoughts swirl around in my head and while I want to do away with the bad and hold on to the good, there isn't much good to hold on to. I have a lot of good in my life but for some reason, I get depressed when I am by myself and I am so negative about everything!
I haven't worked out in the past week because the last time I worked out, I pushed myself really hard without really warming up and I ended up going 30 minutes on the elliptical and 50 minutes on the treadmill. And on the treadmill, I would run 15-20 minutes without stopping on 5.6 mph. Now my left foot hurts and there is still shooting pains in my right leg a week later. I have been told to get better running shoes, which I am definitely going to invest in.
I am one of those people that has to get her endorphins kicking in and get an adrenaline rush....otherwise I get moody and sad. That is probably why I am feeling this negativity now, because I haven't really been able to work out and my mood has been deeply affected by this.
I almost deleted my blogger account because I am not as up to date as some of my friends are....Ashley has all these cool things on hers like pictures on flicker and a fitness log.....I just don't get on this enough to do all that. I am sure no one really cares about my stupid moods either. I guess I am writing in this to vent a little bit and if my friends DO want to know what's going on and we haven't talked in a while, they can see what is up with me lately.
I am pretty sure...like 95% sure that me and TJ are going to get married at Casa De Loco winery in Camdenton, MO. It is really pretty and they are very accomodating of your big day. We are still hoping for May, and I am trying to reserve it in May as we speak. May seems way too close, in terms of me being at the weight I want to be at. I know it's only August and that May is several months from now....but I feel like I will never lose a pound!
But in more positive terms, I haven't eaten one sweet or drank any alcohol for two days...and as little as that sounds, I am really trying here. Maybe if I stay away from those two, I will stop craving them so much. I am definitely going to get back on track with working out once I get better running shoes, and in the meantime I am trying to eat less and eat better since I can't really work out. I am also tryin to stay away from fried foods as well. And to drink a lot more water.
I am going to finish watching this movie. Bugger off. haha just kidding!
Bye for now! =)
Temptation is surrounding me. I want to eat sweets and fried food and drink wine and/or beer. I also want to lose weight and look smashing in a wedding dress. Haha I sound English. But the truth is...I really really want to be skinny. When I am at home by myself and TJ is working, thoughts swirl around in my head and while I want to do away with the bad and hold on to the good, there isn't much good to hold on to. I have a lot of good in my life but for some reason, I get depressed when I am by myself and I am so negative about everything!
I haven't worked out in the past week because the last time I worked out, I pushed myself really hard without really warming up and I ended up going 30 minutes on the elliptical and 50 minutes on the treadmill. And on the treadmill, I would run 15-20 minutes without stopping on 5.6 mph. Now my left foot hurts and there is still shooting pains in my right leg a week later. I have been told to get better running shoes, which I am definitely going to invest in.
I am one of those people that has to get her endorphins kicking in and get an adrenaline rush....otherwise I get moody and sad. That is probably why I am feeling this negativity now, because I haven't really been able to work out and my mood has been deeply affected by this.
I almost deleted my blogger account because I am not as up to date as some of my friends are....Ashley has all these cool things on hers like pictures on flicker and a fitness log.....I just don't get on this enough to do all that. I am sure no one really cares about my stupid moods either. I guess I am writing in this to vent a little bit and if my friends DO want to know what's going on and we haven't talked in a while, they can see what is up with me lately.
I am pretty sure...like 95% sure that me and TJ are going to get married at Casa De Loco winery in Camdenton, MO. It is really pretty and they are very accomodating of your big day. We are still hoping for May, and I am trying to reserve it in May as we speak. May seems way too close, in terms of me being at the weight I want to be at. I know it's only August and that May is several months from now....but I feel like I will never lose a pound!
But in more positive terms, I haven't eaten one sweet or drank any alcohol for two days...and as little as that sounds, I am really trying here. Maybe if I stay away from those two, I will stop craving them so much. I am definitely going to get back on track with working out once I get better running shoes, and in the meantime I am trying to eat less and eat better since I can't really work out. I am also tryin to stay away from fried foods as well. And to drink a lot more water.
I am going to finish watching this movie. Bugger off. haha just kidding!
Bye for now! =)
Friday, June 19, 2009
E.mo.tion.al
I love movies. I can watch them and get so into them that I believe that the movie is happening and I am in another world. I forget about my stupid worries and negative thoughts and I am taken somewhere else, whether it is sailing with pirates or fighting bad guys, etc.
I was very upset tonight because I was looking at pictures and I realized how skinny I used to be. And that I enjoy beer and late night food and can't seem to control myself when it comes to these two. I tell myself that I want to be a skinny bride more than anything, but obviously not enough because I only work out 2...maybe 3 times a week and still eat crap food. I didn't eat fried food for about 4 days and then broke down and stuffed my face with fried food.
And I picked up TJ from work to go to this guy Chris's house because he invited us to a party. As we got out of the car, we were saying Hi and his friends were like "TJ! I am so glad you're here!" and they act like I am not there. I almost started crying. I felt so invisible. I have waited on these guys before at the bar and we joke and stuff, but when they see me and TJ, they act like TJ is the only one there. Now, wouldn't you think that if you were friends with TJ, you would want to get to know his fiance? Maybe that is just crazy thinking.
So, I didn't even go in the house, but called my best friend Ashley, even though I didn't want to bother her. I didn't want her to think that I only call her when I am upset! But boy, was I upset! I can sum it up, but basically I feel that TJ and Kat are the ones that make all the friends and that I just mooch off of them. I am not cool and outgoing, but a socially awkward and invisible person. I am not good enough to make my own friends.
Ashley, you made me feel so much better. You had so much to say and you made me laugh. You made me feel like an important person and a worthwhile friend. You made me feel loved. I know I have my ups and downs and I can be an emotional ass, but thank you for putting up with me. I am so lucky to have such good friends. And I don't need any other friends because good friends are far and few between. And you guys are enough to fill my days and nights with happiness.
Ashley, sometimes I take your friendship for granted. I wake up and my first thought isn't "I am so lucky to have good friends in my life." and that's what my first thought should be. I love you so much and I appreciate the time and effort you have put into our friendship. I love the fact that you research jobs and wedding things for me and you send me emails and make me collages based on what you think I like. I know we have had our bad moments, but I think it has only made us stronger, and the fun and the love moments are what has made our friendship all the more worthwhile. I will always be here for you and thank you for always being there for me. MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was very upset tonight because I was looking at pictures and I realized how skinny I used to be. And that I enjoy beer and late night food and can't seem to control myself when it comes to these two. I tell myself that I want to be a skinny bride more than anything, but obviously not enough because I only work out 2...maybe 3 times a week and still eat crap food. I didn't eat fried food for about 4 days and then broke down and stuffed my face with fried food.
And I picked up TJ from work to go to this guy Chris's house because he invited us to a party. As we got out of the car, we were saying Hi and his friends were like "TJ! I am so glad you're here!" and they act like I am not there. I almost started crying. I felt so invisible. I have waited on these guys before at the bar and we joke and stuff, but when they see me and TJ, they act like TJ is the only one there. Now, wouldn't you think that if you were friends with TJ, you would want to get to know his fiance? Maybe that is just crazy thinking.
So, I didn't even go in the house, but called my best friend Ashley, even though I didn't want to bother her. I didn't want her to think that I only call her when I am upset! But boy, was I upset! I can sum it up, but basically I feel that TJ and Kat are the ones that make all the friends and that I just mooch off of them. I am not cool and outgoing, but a socially awkward and invisible person. I am not good enough to make my own friends.
Ashley, you made me feel so much better. You had so much to say and you made me laugh. You made me feel like an important person and a worthwhile friend. You made me feel loved. I know I have my ups and downs and I can be an emotional ass, but thank you for putting up with me. I am so lucky to have such good friends. And I don't need any other friends because good friends are far and few between. And you guys are enough to fill my days and nights with happiness.
Ashley, sometimes I take your friendship for granted. I wake up and my first thought isn't "I am so lucky to have good friends in my life." and that's what my first thought should be. I love you so much and I appreciate the time and effort you have put into our friendship. I love the fact that you research jobs and wedding things for me and you send me emails and make me collages based on what you think I like. I know we have had our bad moments, but I think it has only made us stronger, and the fun and the love moments are what has made our friendship all the more worthwhile. I will always be here for you and thank you for always being there for me. MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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